I'M EXHAUSTED

 Does God really love me?

But why? Why am I being rewarded like this? Is it because I often leave him? Am i that bad?

Very arrogant. Just asking the questions above has become a form of my neglect of the majesty of God who chooses the world and everything in it. Am I that bad? Until it feels like happiness refuses to come to me? Am I too grandiose to ask for something?

God, am I that bad? Isn't there a little happy left for me? Am I that insulted? God....do I not deserve a glimmer of peace and tranquility in my soul? I miss that.

God? Am I that bad? Can my apologizes be accepted? Have I never been sincere with my good? Was my good all this time are not good enough? Was what I actually did while I was alive wasn't good? But the fulfillment of the demands of the world around me?

God, I didn't kill....I didn't commit adultery....I didn't hurt other people on purpose either?

Am I disobedient to God? Am I wrong to blame my mother when she cheated on my family? Should I just shut up and let it go? God? Am I wrong for pushing the truth that I believe in? Then what should i do then? People out there said I was bad for yelling at my mom? Should I just shut up? God, am I that bad?

Am I not entitled to a glimmer of calm and peace in my soul?

God, can everything just stop if I don't have any benefit in me anymore? If myself doesn't has any beneficial in life, can i just die? God, what should I do? Did I really agree to be born on earth back then before it all started? Why is it like this, God? What have I done to be rewarded like this?

God, am I that bad?

Can it all end?

I'm tired.

CAN I JUST....DIE?

Considered as a parasite just because your job is not like a normative human going to the office from 9 to 5.

Considered abnormal just because they are not married at the age of almost 30 years.

Considered to have defected from religion just because of respect for other religious groups?

Why don't humans become a little wiser by thinking "Why PEOPLE are SO busy taking care of other's lives that have no significance in theirs?". I really don't understand why humans are busy with other people, not with themselves.

Especially when you are not considered worthy just because you don't meet society's standards. Not undergoing custom in society. Or even just for disagreeing with an opinion that almost half of the people on earth agree with.

Such as, marriage is a perfect complement to your life or a complement to your religion and so on. Bullshit I don't believe it. Never once in my life.

When they don't allow me to live with the human rights attached to me, can I just die? I
mean i don't want to live long either. Instead of wanting to do evil, wanting to curse, wanting to complain, wanting to say this world is unfair? I guess die is way better than that. Will not harm anyone.

So, CAN I JUST....DIE?

AN EXPLOSION

 

A big explosion has occurred in my life, which made me realize that I am no better than trash that is thrown away, trampled on, forgotten and useless.

It feels like it's been too long since I made the people around me suffer. They were too kind to allow myself and my freedom of thought, independence, and my indifference and insensitivity to my surrounding and make it all explode in the end. Now i'm being a coward, confused even to start apologizing, where to start? It's all too complex and makes my head feel like it's going to explode right now.

The strange thoughts that were creeping deeper and deeper in my head messed everything up. Instead of getting better, it felt like I was losing myself. Drift away. Swallowed by those strange thoughts. I'm a mess, my life is a mess. And it's nobody's fault but myself.

I should have realized that I can't control other people's opinions, behaviors, and desires, but myself. I realized everything too late. Obviously I can't go back, nobody allow me to stop and disappear from this earth. Why? I'm worthless too, why should I stay?